I knew it would happen. I had anticipated it when I drew up the courage to tell you everything. Although I saw it coming, it was still excruciatingly painful. To see his name suddenly pop up on my computer screen was a dream, but a nightmare at the same time. I knew what he had to tell me. And I was right.
I couldn’t breathe. I felt like everything was crowding me. My overflowing tears rushed down endlessly. I began hyperventilating. My head hurt and my hands couldn’t stop shaking. Whether I was choking or sobbing, I couldn’t think enough to care. I just wanted to find a deep hole and hide there for the rest of my life. It felt like all the lights were turned off in my world.
I knew it was going to happen. Since the moment I had made my decision to tell him that I loved him, I knew. The pain was far worse than I had imagined, though. I didn’t expect for my tears to flow indefinitely. For my head to hurt so much. For my breathing to be so ragged. For my heart to clench so tightly. I had always believed that those romance novels only exaggerated how it felt to be rejected or to be abandoned. I never knew it was true. Because when the person you love so much tells you everything was nothing, it hurts. It really hurts. To have had everything and to lose it all at once is much worse than to never having it in the first place. Because you know what it feels like to have his hand clasped around yours and your legs entangled. You’ll never forget the smile he reserved for only you and his quiet chuckles that sends tiny shocks down your spine. But once you make one wrong move, you lose everything. He’ll start refusing to look you in the eye, looking down when you pass each other. He’ll refuse to talk to you, refuse to even be in the same room as you. At that point, you’ll look at your hand and cry. You’ll remember how much you loved his touch, his smell, his everything.
But when he tells you you’ve misunderstood everything, you won’t know which way is which anymore.
I told him I loved him, and he told me he had only ever thought of me as a friend and that he’s sorry if I had thought otherwise.
Holding hands, cuddling under blankets, late-night texting, the good morning text messages, the hugs, his jacket, —- everything was nothing?